The Seed I Refused to Grow

didn't even realized it was there all along

it stumbled upon me as my knees were on the ground 

did I fell? did I just crouched?

it's something I least expected to find

I didn't pick it up at first

even until now

I just watch it happen

good things started to happen around it

but yin always come with yan

it's hard to avoid 

the wind that blows

the rain that falls

the sun that shines

when it lives under them all

I don't even like it

I don't even want it

I don't think I need it, anyway 

everytime it hatched a sprout 

I buried it

with dirt around

I know it was there

I don't want it to grow

I shall not let it grow 

I'll keep it buried

Late August 31st 2025 Post

 Been quite busy with the new life, I forgot to write something here on my birthday 17 days ago..

Life to this day has been so good to me, even though the bitter parts still can be tasted on the tip of the tongue

Now Im on the institution that my 18 years old me tried to get in, 10 years ago

Suprisingly, effortlessly 

Never imagine even last year, I would be here (and still wondering if this was the right path and whether is this what I want to do for the rest of life?)

But good place to work, good friends, good co-workers, good boss, good salary

Met someone again but I don't even want to remember about it

Another good speaker and liar

I was dragged into an unwanted and stressing situation that I don't wanna (and I don't even know I was in) 

gbu all.

Today is Hanaan 2nd Birthday

The soft, cute, and smart little ones

Let's tell each other story until then

You can say anything to me

Mom at home

Mostly with Putih

Putih getting older and sick

So does Mom

Long life for both of you

The reason I came home

Im feeling blessed for the good people that came into my life

Those around me

I thank them so much

I thank my parent's prayer

I thank Allah SWT that gave me all 

28 years old

And feeling blessed,

Banjarbaru 

I wish: A Letter to Dad

I wish I had understand more

I wish I were a little bit nicer

I wish I had treated you better

I wish I were less being mean 

I wish I knew it was just a short time

I wish I could finish my study earlier

I wish I bought you the new glasses 

I wish I let you play the computer game more

I wish I hugged you more

I wish I told you many times the love words

I wish I accompanied you more in the hospital 

I wish I came home often every week

I wish I could make you more proud 

I wish I bought you a birthday cake

I wish we celebrated your last birthday 

I wish we could spend more time 

I wish you weren't had so much to think about 

I wish you suffered less

I wish you could reply to my vacation messages

I wish you still bragging about me to the family and friends

I wish you were happier

I wish you were still here 

I forgot this blog as usual

Hi it's been.. awhile!

im still thinking this is just the beginning of the year so im gonna write it just later, turns out.. it's almost half of it. damn time flies do so fast (and my procrastination follows). even when i weren't doing anything much in this past few months. 

have i told the newest news before?? i forgot most but I'll just do a quick story telling here. aahhh! i even forgot to tell the story of me and emma going to bali in february this year.. omg so many catch up okay let's go.

january hmm i don't think much happened, just casual hangouts and sleepover at ruko, me preparing documents for work because YES i do passed the 6stages of tes cpns of my ministry, ranked 4th of 36 that got in and about to be a government worker.. did i tell you before it's a nanonano feelings for me? im still grateful for it but there's something in me that needed to die for it at the same time, my freedom and adventurous will. they're being traded for money. yes since i needed that also for now. i hope it does what best for me and will lead me to a better environment, i hope I'll be sent to overseas often so that i can work and travel at the same time.

february still doing some documents and by the end of the month me and emma spontaneously going to bali for 10 days. the purpose is to seek getaway, for me before the storm begins and my free life will change 180'. I'll be hard to plans vacation on weekday, im gonna travel in the holidays which is a peak season:'( 

anyway our bali trip was fun and chill. we stay in nusadua for 5 days, sanur 4days, and last in kuta for one night. oh when in sanur we happened to stay near icon mall which is new in town and they have xxi with imax which is the only one in island and coincidentally also interstellar is being played for its decade anniversary and it's only being played on imax!! omg we were so happy and excited, it was February 26th i still remember and the ticket was 40k/person (dang still cheaper than weekday ticket in banjar). it's our first imax experience as well so we giggled so much of happiness. all of our hotels were just ughh so nice worth the money for 200k an/night. we spend +- 5mil/person for 10days. very murah right. included the flights already!!

march is ramadan month, begin exactly after we went back home from bali. i mostly just stay at home this month. bukber can be counted by fingers which was.. 2?3? bukber at ruko with sejarah and at william's with the gurls. haniel visited banjar and we went around town with two friends of his also, they liked kelotok tour at twilight and pentol culinary lol.

april it's hari raya idul fitri 1446h, we celebrated it at home, mom cooked nasi kuning and did a little selamatan since she is about to umroh 5days later with tante mufi and tante wati for 12days. we celebrated dg's birthday also on the 13th at ruko, bought cake, and pillows with f1 theme, us flag with chaewon face that she liked. 

may, which is this month, hmm i forgot. just mostly at home (we're very strict on spending now, in this economy is the hashtag). a few hangouts with tezar in erni's house since he already back from europe and everest tour. went to the mall looking for work outfit with tezar(turns out he bought more), and i bought a black short shirt for my brother's birthday since i rarely give him something. OOHH before, i went alone to watch thunderbolts* that i have been waiting and excited for. not a disappointment. i liked it so much, my heart was racing of excitement while and after watching. i missed mcu and the characters so much it felt like a heartfelt reunion (and the movie touched me as well). it's like they're all my life and my life is worth living again. 

just last sunday we had two family vacation to batakan baru beach, and it was hanan first beach trip. we arrived at 11 and the sky shining so blue as the water below reflects to it. quite pretty with the not so dark brown sands that lays there. next few days it's just me and tezar coffeeshop hoping since he's looking for a perfect sip for his taste on kopi susu in town.

i think that's all pretty much already summed up my first 4months in 2025. next month probably i will start working. omg imagine, working for the rest of your life... just thinking of it making my head sick. but that's life maybe yes, just trying to live and love it. just like usual, hope everything goes well and goodluck!!

ehh wait i forget to update about the love life! since i have none in mind currently i didn't think of writing ones. hmm yes it's none for now. the latest that i talked about, i crossed him from the list i think we would never make it, and it will never be me anyway. we stay good friends. so yeah that's it, my heart mood just okay and stable, not having anyone in mind means less worry and anxious, less stress. currently just being happy with my hobbies (obsession to watch movies and series). oh, putih the cat is having flu rn so im currently taking care of him. he's still fluffy and cool but the flu seems not going away im worry. hitam is having flu either but seems skinnier and worst in condition. always pray for you guys to recover and get healthier everyday.. so ciao all

as usual

hhahahah 

it suckssssss

turns out i really got annoyed by this.

being the one who wasn't being chose is sucks

maybe not only because of that 

also how he still stay in contact with me meanwhile already with someone else new and i still stick around him because i know none damn thing 

such a stupid thing to do

he said he liked you but chose not to.

choosing the fun of the friendship over you

will there anymore fun left?????

it's just the fact that i thought we could be something but on the other side he already made up his own choice and not telling me and here after knowing it all 

i feel like a fool, as usual 

this past few days i feel quite anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, and just stupid

how could i let it made me like this

i should control my emotion, how i react to this

I've tried to, but still has this sick emotion feel deep inside me

maybe it takes time, as usual 

it's just me, being another naive 

i should've stop when i could

but i always curious to see how things work in the end

it's not your fault too this time

see from the bigger picture, 

you are just a girl who loves, and hoping them to return it back to you 

it's okay you'll be okay

as usual

Akhir tahun

Hellooo, banyak juga bagian keskipnya setelah aku ulangtahun kemarin yahh.. tapi bagian filler ini adalah salah satu bagian yang paling membahagiakan di 2024 kok meskipun ada (lagi) sedih2nya dikitt hahah.

Hmmhh mau ngomong apa yah tentang tahun ini. Another tahun kegagalan (gagal aupair) tapi sepertinya awal mula perjalanan panjang di mulai (sepertinya aku lulus cpns kemenkumham). Tahun yang ada banget sedihnyaa, tapi banyak juga canda dan bahagianya. Roda kehidupan berputar; the good news is it won't last forever and the bad news is it won't last forever.

September was the month I started working with the agency i recently joined to. I was handling the KOL for Erigo opening store and it went well, meeting a few new and cool people, such a first experience. Day by day, to one event and another, being the assistant photographer for my friend to being the sudden model itself, it were all fun to enjoyed. Until there was something off inside the egg, we called it quit by the end of October.

At that time we already had a few hangouts with some new friends(for me), they were; Aldo, Rakha, Hikmah, Agung, and Febii. Some of them weren't really new, I knew them already but this time we are all being friends now. We are all from such vary backgrounds but my theory how we can come up together (besides Dg unites us) is that we were all got our heart broken in mostly the same period of time hahah.

It all began with hanging out at Baswara, then playing cards anywhere, billiard every night, at last ruko. Every weekend we usually going somewhere out together wether it's near or far, cafe hopping, or anything we can do. Watching movies or playing puzzle games at ruko, everything just fun with them, full of laughter. It's as the pain we felt was temporary gone for awhile. It was such a blessing being with them in this year. 

For me personally, what made me even happier is that he was there too. Someone I was adoring and admired. At some point, I feel like we were quite closed to eachother but i don't know im afraid of one sided love, what if i was the one who felt that?. Also, it seems hard to have someone to crush on in a group of friends like that, it might destroyed the friendship when something doesn't end well. As what he said to me earlier, after finally being closed to each other for quite months and he said he already being with someone else now and he used to liked me too but he was afraid it would end our group of friends because that was happened with his latest relationship. I was, "oouuchhh" damn it was quite made my little heart broke a little bit hahah. I got silence after and decided to not make a fuss about it and go on with this friendship and my life. Well, even though I thought we could ended up together. Turns out it was all just in my head.

So that's pretty a summary of what had been happened in this last few months of 2024 :D now im sitting on my favourite blue couch with putih sleeping in front of me, in a cold night after the rain on December before the Christmas. I don't know whether I will be writing for the end of the year but I hope we will end this year good and start another with another good things! 

August 31st 2024

Hi...

padahal banyak yang mau ditulis disini, tapi gak pernah kebuka lagi. Padahal aplikasinya ada banget di hp, entah apa yg memberatkan.. 

Dari januari 2024 ini aku ada juga mulai mencoba menulis di buku gitu, seperti diary. Tapi masih nyandet di Juni ceritanya, ini udah mau Agustus wkwk. Karena mungkin Juni 2024 was one of the happiest month in this year.. atau ever in my life..

Tahun ini, aku nyoba lagi ke Jerman mau ikut program aupair. Udah belajar bahasanya dari november, tes di mei kemarin di jakarta, udah nyiapin semua berkasnya, tapi semesta seperti tidak merestui.. heheh 

Untuk dapat appointment visanya skrg sangat susah, lebih 2bulan. Yang pertama aku udah dapat di 7Juli, tai saat itu tak kunjung matched dengan gastfamilie di sana jadi aku gak bisa interview visa di 7 Juli karena ada dokumen yg belum lengkap.Terus aku ngirim ulang request tanggal appointment yang mana baru dapet akhir agustus kemarin dan dapet di tanggal 12 September, which will be already too late. Aku memaksimalkan usaha buat selesein semua sblm tangga 31 Agustus karena setelah itu aku sudah melewati batas usia program, 26 tahun. Pupuslah (lagi) harapan dan cita-cita yang semua aku usahakan di sepanjang tahun ini. Gagal lagi.. hehe

Di tengah huru-hara persiapan kemarin di bulan Juni, I met someone. We already knew with each other actually but just accidentally being presented at that one event. I knew him since junior high school. 

After the day 1 of the event he said hi to me through a friend of ours. I didn't think much of it, maybe just another guy trying his shots to every women he met. Day 2 we didn't really met, day 3 we were quite close to each other but not a single words came out from ours. It was just our friends being friended with eachother also.

Few days after the event I heard from my friend many cute and interesting stories about him and they seem wanted to makcomblangin kami gitulah. Before this happened, quite long time ago I have already ditawarin mau kenalan sama si ini ga (org yg sama) from my other friend and at that time it was a hard no from me, i didn't wanna take a risk. This time, knowing his intention to me, the push from both our friends, my happy excited era, the "if you never try you'll never know" motto, and somehow there were some feelings for him, I recklessly took the risk.

He texted me first not long after through ig, and we talked nonstop after. Message notifications from him started to make me thrilled, anywhere, anywhen. As time goes by the thrilled changed into another feelings. Especially when I found out the cat that he had was my long-lost cat from my kosan on 2022 that we(me and the owner) thought he might just died already. I started to believe this relationship might be going somewhere and it was like a sign from the universe. Too naive.

June 20th, our first date. I still remember i was sakit perut and anxious all day long thinking that we will be going out together, dammnnn, a date. After a long time. 

We watched an Indonesian horror movies, malam pencabut nyawa if i wasn't mistaken. The movie weren't that good, but I really enjoyed his presence next to me as we were holding hands through it. After the movie we took our first pic together and went to siring metro for dinner since i recommended that place. I learned that he liked pecel2an things so I brought him to try the tahu paksis itu (yaa ada bumbu2 kacangnya lah) dan i ate mie ayam punya kaka kelas sma dulu. Pulangnya ke baswara yang saat itu belum opening dan being interviewed by our friends disana. I felt so warm and comfortable around him. I really enjoyed every moment of that day. My smile was too wide i still smiling on my terrace after he sent me home until when i was about to go to bed.

Long story short, just few days after, we were officially a couple on June 22. Too fast, eh? turns out it was, and that was the reason we were falling apart also.. my fault i guess. 

Reason behind it, I was just too afraid of another jalananin aja dan tanpa status kind of relationship and we might end up nowhere, so I asked him what is this, then he asked me whether I wanted to be his and I said yes. Maybe what I was looking for was just securement.

First few weeks of our relationship was thrilling. Then after, there were days when we both being weren't okay. I wasn't okay because of my possibility to be fail on my program and he said he wasn't okay because thinking of his life and all the aspects including me and his past. He feared that it was a mistake to have this thing going on, he feared he wasn't ready for this since he still felt pain after his latest breakup which was a year ago and he was afraid too that it might hurt me in the process something like that. I tried to make sure everything will be alright and we'll take it slowly from there. Such a fool in love of me.

From me there was a triggered why it could happened. His ex, whom he was trying to reached out after the breakup but always avoiding and not wanting to go back with him called, crying, on the night after we hanging out together. I was trying to acted cool hearing it, but actually i was alerted and anxious. He said he was ya awalnya bingung terus biasa aja, nothing changed. No one knows.

And yeaa after that particular event i think everything just, different. No excited chats as before anymore, short conversation, no sweet words and jokes as we used to anymore, no late night call as before. I said the changing things to him but turns out it just made it worst.

I tried my best to keep the relationship going, but my best couldn't ever enough. 

August 8th, we ended it through a 4hour phone call after I happily hanging out with him after his busy and hectic weeks, we finally met. Never knew it will be the last time we would be together. After the night out, he told me there was something he wanted to sent me, some words, and he has been thinking of it lately. "Kenapa ya, cinta terasa hambar setelah patah hati" was the title of the tiktok video he sent me. I read page to pages and came in conclusion in the last one. I was avoiding that go or let go things, instead let's just stay and try to stick together this whole time but it was inevitable, eventually. It will only hurt both of us if I was still holding on. So Iet go it is.

Can't deny that it was really hurt for me. I couldn't go out or hangout for few days not because i didn't want to, it was just the tears kept coming out of my eyes whenever i was doing something. It still now when im writing this long ass story yang awalnya cuman untuk marks my 27th birthday turns out curcol semesteran. It might just a short one. But I hate attachment and connection with a real person, it's hard to get over it for me. I remember my past ex(es) both in my college era, and it was a really hard things to passed at that time. Maybe that's why for these past years I rather chose those who were across the island, to avoid that kind of hurt.

Nangis juga karena diam2 mama masak nasi kuning di belakang to celebrate my birthday, di sunyinya ulangtahun kali ini, kesedihan2 dan kegagalan tahun ini:').

There was one day after the breakup I unintendedly met him at the coffee shop where he worked (my colleagues wfc there) so I greeted him with smile and as nothing bad ever happened. I sat besides him, we both were working on our own works, talked a bit, he made me a matcha iced latte, and gave me two delicious cromboloni as he always been before. He went home for a moment to grab a watch that he already bought for me and wanted to give me. A small cute casio watch that I always wanted and matched his. I was of course happy for it and it always on my hand ever since. 

That night at 00:00 he was the first one to wished. I was really happy again, but knowing that he isn't interested in me anymore and he belongs somewhere else other than here....

So that's all then, a brief speech for my birthday. 

Happy 27th birthday, I hope your career will get bigger, get more money, go to those Scandinavian countries you always wanted, Tuscany that you long for, Taiwan and Thailand that you always talking about, Japan that you always dream for, and the New Zealand trip that you always wish for. I hope mom will always be there especially to see me succeed in life. 

Oh i forgot to tell that i currently joined R4deya, a digital marketing agency in my hometown as KOL management intern. The field that I always hope I can get into, then here I am starting from scratch! So far I like the dynamic of the team, the people, and the work time even sometimes it is tiring both mentally and physically (of course, any work i guess??) hahah.

Maybe god failed me many times to go abroad and into another city for a reason. Maybe not for now. Maybe you will get better chance next time. 

Maybe god failed my relationships many times to make me learn about life more. Connection with human. About time, compatibility, empathy, sympathy, respect, boundaries, acceptance. Love and other things that followed after. Balance.

Maybe things will get better, in time. 

Welcome to 27th, Alya.

Hi it's 2024 here!

A month late to write the beginning of my 2024 post because... I thought I already made on in January???? then I just checked but there were no post here.. so it was just on my imagination.

Hehe so January went quiteee well(?) I mean, I was happy enough, but sad enough as well, yea balance. What made me quiteee happy; 1. I met someone in December and got along very well until mid January, he lightened my black and white days. 2. I hung out a lot with my fellow junior high friends, went eating good food, was singing along in the car, was chillin up in Dg's ruko which so comfy to settled, literally almost every days which is quite sanctuary for me.

Talking about this one guy, he's few years older than me. I didn't planning to develop feelings for him but somehow I did. Things went just good, but not after he was really caught up with his new job. He got so overwhelmed and couldn't do this no more. So in February we decided just to called it off. Right after I texted him how glad I was that I met him😂.

 Funny story is, he already sent me a message at January 2023 but I just found the message at December 2023 hahah. I wish we met earlier? no?

November Mental Breakdance

Hello blog.....

I just had a burst out. 

Lol what a burst out??!???

hhahah

I've been keeping things in my head for long time and just talking about it (orally) (with my mouth) (of course) even just to my own self, because i wanted to talk about it to my mom but she went away and didn't really seem interested to talk..... Okay no problem..

I was just asking, when will the rooms we had renovated before can be cleaned up? it's been like 2years since 2021 and the rooms just full of unused stuffs. I mean, the costs of renovation is not little, and this household has no income (we can't expect the retirement fund and brother's money for the rest of our life) so when will we make a move to clean it up?? oh i once already make move by myself but ended up with too many confusion and stress bcs i fucked up in that rooms (3rooms) with that many stuff that isn't belong to me, i don't know which to throw, which is legendary things, which is what i have no fucking idea😩😩😩!!!.

Please i don't wanna be anak durhaka but sometimes my head is just boiling😥😥 but no worries i always keep my mouth shut even sometimes i wanna spit out everything i feel.

She seems so unaware about the situation. House berantakan like, too many unuseful stuff but she still keeping it. I know how that feel either but this just been too many im stressed. 

I want that rooms to be cleaned out sooner because i have a plan leaving home and living in another city. I cannot leave home like this. Messy and so much unfinished business. 

You know I was really broken about failing to go to Australia, because of my own fault. It keeps haunting me everyday and I cannot sleep or wake up peacefully for still not doing anything about my life now. And right now i have a new goal, i want to pay back about what I've done, i want to achieve that badly but not in this city, I can't grow here. Im 26, only have 3months job experience, not related to the goal im seeking to, and i just want you to help me to make it... sooner... by just decluttering the stuff and make it a room so anyone can rent it and you have someone to accompany in the house, you have something to be busy with, you have your own money voila... i can leave..

I was just bursting myself in tears and to keep it reminded i go write here because sometimes writing can help the depression they said. Idk, is this depression? or just sadness? or just helplessness?? or selfish choice???? 

I hope when you read this years later, I am already making the right decision here. Even if it is not, just keep walking into whatever direction that looks shiny. 

Major Failure.

Good afternoon from chatime dutamall... 

sitting here blankly because i was in line for The Marvels for hours but the jenius promo ended before my eyes... I was kinda sad but bearable as i already thought myself don't expect too much on this..

I just wanna write a story that i always been avoid to remember and tell to for these past few months bcs it just that heavy, for me. Well, i never been to a psychologist even at my lowest years back but months ago, i did. It felt like my tears go all over my body it can came out through my skin anytime. Usually i can handle my sadness or burden but damnnn this one i just can't.

Have i told you that in the middle of my confusion about my future, i found this light? the thing that i might seek and suitable for me, the thing that i thought that i wanted so bad??? yes i was planning to go to the kangaroo country with that werk and holiday visa (i don't want to make it too clear i might showing up on google search ugh no). I've been preparing since, February this year but just waste away on fucking end of June. I already got the main latter that was the main essential document through "a war" but yet fuckeeddd, i was too late to apply the visa i cried soo hard even days after even at work even lagi briefing pagi" on saturday morning i still remember how fucked i was that day. It was like, a crushed dream. It was just one step away, that was the only thing i gotta do, the final step, and i failed to that simple easy one thing. I was really hating on myself. On the situation, on everything. How come I messed my own future. I've been pouring so much time and money preparing for this but i messed it up myself. 

I know the due date was on June 30th but i wanted to apply on 20ish since i need a month gap for my medical checkup the next month. Yet i procrastinated till the last day. At noon. And i didn't even glance on the website even once so that i didn't have the information that it would be maintenance at the time i came from work. Like, duuuhhhhhhhh. SO STUPID I CAN'T HANDLE MYSELF. The days before i was preparing for eid adha and went back to my father's hometown and i couldn't apply there, after went back home D-1, i got sick and just planning to apply the next day which is Friday June 30th. Dahlaaaaaa diinget" masih sakit bangeeetttt ya Allah I don't think i can recover from this failure and regretness. My heart and brain still felt empty, please tell me it was your plan and it might not good for me to gooo:')))) 

Attaching this hurtful docs so the future me can still see and learn from my own stupidity. Even i know i won't even forget this tho lol. 

I already booked a round-trip flight for my medical checkup on July since i was sure enough that I would be going to.... 

I already done ielts test which wasn't even exist on my city so i went to surabaya already before too .. and the test costed quite some money also.. sedih mah pokonya kalo diceritain hhahahahah. That's why i changed my flights date to october and decided to go to Bali instead:) and got some inspirations also from there. Even before I visited it for this "holiday" i already has planned on just moving out there and started something new. 

I hope there's something better awaits for me, the one You've been prepared for me as replacement:'))) im still hoping now...

And now i kinda have another thing to pursue, i still don't know whether im sure of it, whether is it good for me, i haven't tell anyone about this yet but just here. Im thinking of working on a river cruise ship somewhere in europe. To achieve that, i needed to have some experiences in the same field. Im thinking of being a stewardess or anything related. Where? in Bali. Why Bali? the best environment for it and for many more chances and connection definitely. Sounds like a naive young girl from nowhere's dream but yes at this point now, i really can do naive things as i already throwed away my future i wanted to make another one. We shaped it on our own ((im just trying to menghibur diri)). 

I don't really want to worry or thinking too far now since the last time i did that, i was destroyed by it. Just live my best at the moment and slowly moving forward. Ya Allah please help and guide me through my process, i can never do anything well without your will and guidance. Bismillah.