padahal banyak yang mau ditulis disini, tapi gak pernah kebuka lagi. Padahal aplikasinya ada banget di hp, entah apa yg memberatkan..
Dari januari 2024 ini aku ada juga mulai mencoba menulis di buku gitu, seperti diary. Tapi masih nyandet di Juni ceritanya, ini udah mau Agustus wkwk. Karena mungkin Juni 2024 was one of the happiest month in this year.. atau ever in my life..
Tahun ini, aku nyoba lagi ke Jerman mau ikut program aupair. Udah belajar bahasanya dari november, tes di mei kemarin di jakarta, udah nyiapin semua berkasnya, tapi semesta seperti tidak merestui.. heheh
Untuk dapat appointment visanya skrg sangat susah, lebih 2bulan. Yang pertama aku udah dapat di 7Juli, tai saat itu tak kunjung matched dengan gastfamilie di sana jadi aku gak bisa interview visa di 7 Juli karena ada dokumen yg belum lengkap.Terus aku ngirim ulang request tanggal appointment yang mana baru dapet akhir agustus kemarin dan dapet di tanggal 12 September, which will be already too late. Aku memaksimalkan usaha buat selesein semua sblm tangga 31 Agustus karena setelah itu aku sudah melewati batas usia program, 26 tahun. Pupuslah (lagi) harapan dan cita-cita yang semua aku usahakan di sepanjang tahun ini. Gagal lagi.. hehe
Di tengah huru-hara persiapan kemarin di bulan Juni, I met someone. We already knew with each other actually but just accidentally being presented at that one event. I knew him since junior high school.
After the day 1 of the event he said hi to me through a friend of ours. I didn't think much of it, maybe just another guy trying his shots to every women he met. Day 2 we didn't really met, day 3 we were quite close to each other but not a single words came out from ours. It was just our friends being friended with eachother also.
Few days after the event I heard from my friend many cute and interesting stories about him and they seem wanted to makcomblangin kami gitulah. Before this happened, quite long time ago I have already ditawarin mau kenalan sama si ini ga (org yg sama) from my other friend and at that time it was a hard no from me, i didn't wanna take a risk. This time, knowing his intention to me, the push from both our friends, my happy excited era, the "if you never try you'll never know" motto, and somehow there were some feelings for him, I recklessly took the risk.
He texted me first not long after through ig, and we talked nonstop after. Message notifications from him started to make me thrilled, anywhere, anywhen. As time goes by the thrilled changed into another feelings. Especially when I found out the cat that he had was my long-lost cat from my kosan on 2022 that we(me and the owner) thought he might just died already. I started to believe this relationship might be going somewhere and it was like a sign from the universe. Too naive.
June 20th, our first date. I still remember i was sakit perut and anxious all day long thinking that we will be going out together, dammnnn, a date. After a long time.
We watched an Indonesian horror movies, malam pencabut nyawa if i wasn't mistaken. The movie weren't that good, but I really enjoyed his presence next to me as we were holding hands through it. After the movie we took our first pic together and went to siring metro for dinner since i recommended that place. I learned that he liked pecel2an things so I brought him to try the tahu paksis itu (yaa ada bumbu2 kacangnya lah) dan i ate mie ayam punya kaka kelas sma dulu. Pulangnya ke baswara yang saat itu belum opening dan being interviewed by our friends disana. I felt so warm and comfortable around him. I really enjoyed every moment of that day. My smile was too wide i still smiling on my terrace after he sent me home until when i was about to go to bed.
Long story short, just few days after, we were officially a couple on June 22. Too fast, eh? turns out it was, and that was the reason we were falling apart also.. my fault i guess.
Reason behind it, I was just too afraid of another jalananin aja dan tanpa status kind of relationship and we might end up nowhere, so I asked him what is this, then he asked me whether I wanted to be his and I said yes. Maybe what I was looking for was just securement.
First few weeks of our relationship was thrilling. Then after, there were days when we both being weren't okay. I wasn't okay because of my possibility to be fail on my program and he said he wasn't okay because thinking of his life and all the aspects including me and his past. He feared that it was a mistake to have this thing going on, he feared he wasn't ready for this since he still felt pain after his latest breakup which was a year ago and he was afraid too that it might hurt me in the process something like that. I tried to make sure everything will be alright and we'll take it slowly from there. Such a fool in love of me.
From me there was a triggered why it could happened. His ex, whom he was trying to reached out after the breakup but always avoiding and not wanting to go back with him called, crying, on the night after we hanging out together. I was trying to acted cool hearing it, but actually i was alerted and anxious. He said he was ya awalnya bingung terus biasa aja, nothing changed. No one knows.
And yeaa after that particular event i think everything just, different. No excited chats as before anymore, short conversation, no sweet words and jokes as we used to anymore, no late night call as before. I said the changing things to him but turns out it just made it worst.
I tried my best to keep the relationship going, but my best couldn't ever enough.
August 8th, we ended it through a 4hour phone call after I happily hanging out with him after his busy and hectic weeks, we finally met. Never knew it will be the last time we would be together. After the night out, he told me there was something he wanted to sent me, some words, and he has been thinking of it lately. "Kenapa ya, cinta terasa hambar setelah patah hati" was the title of the tiktok video he sent me. I read page to pages and came in conclusion in the last one. I was avoiding that go or let go things, instead let's just stay and try to stick together this whole time but it was inevitable, eventually. It will only hurt both of us if I was still holding on. So Iet go it is.
Can't deny that it was really hurt for me. I couldn't go out or hangout for few days not because i didn't want to, it was just the tears kept coming out of my eyes whenever i was doing something. It still now when im writing this long ass story yang awalnya cuman untuk marks my 27th birthday turns out curcol semesteran. It might just a short one. But I hate attachment and connection with a real person, it's hard to get over it for me. I remember my past ex(es) both in my college era, and it was a really hard things to passed at that time. Maybe that's why for these past years I rather chose those who were across the island, to avoid that kind of hurt.
Nangis juga karena diam2 mama masak nasi kuning di belakang to celebrate my birthday, di sunyinya ulangtahun kali ini, kesedihan2 dan kegagalan tahun ini:').
There was one day after the breakup I unintendedly met him at the coffee shop where he worked (my colleagues wfc there) so I greeted him with smile and as nothing bad ever happened. I sat besides him, we both were working on our own works, talked a bit, he made me a matcha iced latte, and gave me two delicious cromboloni as he always been before. He went home for a moment to grab a watch that he already bought for me and wanted to give me. A small cute casio watch that I always wanted and matched his. I was of course happy for it and it always on my hand ever since.
That night at 00:00 he was the first one to wished. I was really happy again, but knowing that he isn't interested in me anymore and he belongs somewhere else other than here....
So that's all then, a brief speech for my birthday.
Happy 27th birthday, I hope your career will get bigger, get more money, go to those Scandinavian countries you always wanted, Tuscany that you long for, Taiwan and Thailand that you always talking about, Japan that you always dream for, and the New Zealand trip that you always wish for. I hope mom will always be there especially to see me succeed in life.
Oh i forgot to tell that i currently joined R4deya, a digital marketing agency in my hometown as KOL management intern. The field that I always hope I can get into, then here I am starting from scratch! So far I like the dynamic of the team, the people, and the work time even sometimes it is tiring both mentally and physically (of course, any work i guess??) hahah.
Maybe god failed me many times to go abroad and into another city for a reason. Maybe not for now. Maybe you will get better chance next time.
Maybe god failed my relationships many times to make me learn about life more. Connection with human. About time, compatibility, empathy, sympathy, respect, boundaries, acceptance. Love and other things that followed after. Balance.
Maybe things will get better, in time.
Welcome to 27th, Alya.
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