November Mental Breakdance

Hello blog.....

I just had a burst out. 

Lol what a burst out??!???

hhahah

I've been keeping things in my head for long time and just talking about it (orally) (with my mouth) (of course) even just to my own self, because i wanted to talk about it to my mom but she went away and didn't really seem interested to talk..... Okay no problem..

I was just asking, when will the rooms we had renovated before can be cleaned up? it's been like 2years since 2021 and the rooms just full of unused stuffs. I mean, the costs of renovation is not little, and this household has no income (we can't expect the retirement fund and brother's money for the rest of our life) so when will we make a move to clean it up?? oh i once already make move by myself but ended up with too many confusion and stress bcs i fucked up in that rooms (3rooms) with that many stuff that isn't belong to me, i don't know which to throw, which is legendary things, which is what i have no fucking idea😩😩😩!!!.

Please i don't wanna be anak durhaka but sometimes my head is just boiling😥😥 but no worries i always keep my mouth shut even sometimes i wanna spit out everything i feel.

She seems so unaware about the situation. House berantakan like, too many unuseful stuff but she still keeping it. I know how that feel either but this just been too many im stressed. 

I want that rooms to be cleaned out sooner because i have a plan leaving home and living in another city. I cannot leave home like this. Messy and so much unfinished business. 

You know I was really broken about failing to go to Australia, because of my own fault. It keeps haunting me everyday and I cannot sleep or wake up peacefully for still not doing anything about my life now. And right now i have a new goal, i want to pay back about what I've done, i want to achieve that badly but not in this city, I can't grow here. Im 26, only have 3months job experience, not related to the goal im seeking to, and i just want you to help me to make it... sooner... by just decluttering the stuff and make it a room so anyone can rent it and you have someone to accompany in the house, you have something to be busy with, you have your own money voila... i can leave..

I was just bursting myself in tears and to keep it reminded i go write here because sometimes writing can help the depression they said. Idk, is this depression? or just sadness? or just helplessness?? or selfish choice???? 

I hope when you read this years later, I am already making the right decision here. Even if it is not, just keep walking into whatever direction that looks shiny.