sitting here blankly because i was in line for The Marvels for hours but the jenius promo ended before my eyes... I was kinda sad but bearable as i already thought myself don't expect too much on this..
I just wanna write a story that i always been avoid to remember and tell to for these past few months bcs it just that heavy, for me. Well, i never been to a psychologist even at my lowest years back but months ago, i did. It felt like my tears go all over my body it can came out through my skin anytime. Usually i can handle my sadness or burden but damnnn this one i just can't.
Have i told you that in the middle of my confusion about my future, i found this light? the thing that i might seek and suitable for me, the thing that i thought that i wanted so bad??? yes i was planning to go to the kangaroo country with that werk and holiday visa (i don't want to make it too clear i might showing up on google search ugh no). I've been preparing since, February this year but just waste away on fucking end of June. I already got the main latter that was the main essential document through "a war" but yet fuckeeddd, i was too late to apply the visa i cried soo hard even days after even at work even lagi briefing pagi" on saturday morning i still remember how fucked i was that day. It was like, a crushed dream. It was just one step away, that was the only thing i gotta do, the final step, and i failed to that simple easy one thing. I was really hating on myself. On the situation, on everything. How come I messed my own future. I've been pouring so much time and money preparing for this but i messed it up myself.
I know the due date was on June 30th but i wanted to apply on 20ish since i need a month gap for my medical checkup the next month. Yet i procrastinated till the last day. At noon. And i didn't even glance on the website even once so that i didn't have the information that it would be maintenance at the time i came from work. Like, duuuhhhhhhhh. SO STUPID I CAN'T HANDLE MYSELF. The days before i was preparing for eid adha and went back to my father's hometown and i couldn't apply there, after went back home D-1, i got sick and just planning to apply the next day which is Friday June 30th. Dahlaaaaaa diinget" masih sakit bangeeetttt ya Allah I don't think i can recover from this failure and regretness. My heart and brain still felt empty, please tell me it was your plan and it might not good for me to gooo:'))))
Attaching this hurtful docs so the future me can still see and learn from my own stupidity. Even i know i won't even forget this tho lol.
I already booked a round-trip flight for my medical checkup on July since i was sure enough that I would be going to....
I already done ielts test which wasn't even exist on my city so i went to surabaya already before too .. and the test costed quite some money also.. sedih mah pokonya kalo diceritain hhahahahah. That's why i changed my flights date to october and decided to go to Bali instead:) and got some inspirations also from there. Even before I visited it for this "holiday" i already has planned on just moving out there and started something new.
I hope there's something better awaits for me, the one You've been prepared for me as replacement:'))) im still hoping now...
And now i kinda have another thing to pursue, i still don't know whether im sure of it, whether is it good for me, i haven't tell anyone about this yet but just here. Im thinking of working on a river cruise ship somewhere in europe. To achieve that, i needed to have some experiences in the same field. Im thinking of being a stewardess or anything related. Where? in Bali. Why Bali? the best environment for it and for many more chances and connection definitely. Sounds like a naive young girl from nowhere's dream but yes at this point now, i really can do naive things as i already throwed away my future i wanted to make another one. We shaped it on our own ((im just trying to menghibur diri)).
I don't really want to worry or thinking too far now since the last time i did that, i was destroyed by it. Just live my best at the moment and slowly moving forward. Ya Allah please help and guide me through my process, i can never do anything well without your will and guidance. Bismillah.
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