ipang-sekali lagi

https://youtu.be/OBz41hK1jmc

h

take me back

to the good old casual days

when i haven't met him

it stills

:'((

t

and one day you'll realize what you do now just too,

childish

02:12

ya Allah

sometimes it still hits me in the chest. please make it recover sooner:'

.

and he chose her.

Morning thoughts

Monday, 6.17 AM

it's still hard to accept, no matter how hard I've tried.

the fact that he left, the fact that he likes her more, and still lying about how he was just wanted to becoming friends with her, the fact that he's not the same person anymore, the fact that he becoming somebody that i never thought that he would've,  the fact that I've trusted him and his words but now it just something that he would forgotten, the fact that it's only me, who's feeling tortured the most.

everything seems so unfair to me.
why it is only me that been through this. he seems really okay about this. he's so fine and happy. and that makes me think that what we had was just a game, kada penting, cuma angin lalu.

he made his decision, without including mine in there. he wouldn't even care anyway.

i blame me for taking the relationship too seriously. because i did, i really did. and you said you did too. you're the one who said it the most anw.

my trust issue is growing more and more. it's still hard for me. whose love being wasted and played. when it is my first. make me wonder and thinking so many stuffs. being disappointed of you who treats me like this now. kalo udah move on, ya kenapa dihindari terus ? diacuhkan dll. selow. aku yg masih ja selow, pdhal my my chest and throat are burning everytime i see you and hear your voice 😊.
but it's okay, it'll be okay. i got Allah, who'll make my feeling gone and be okay. i got this.

2017 1/2

"it's okay, it's okay"
"maaf"
"ya udah lah ya"
"sabar.."
"ya udah biar aja.."
''kembali ke Allah semuanya"

i think those will be things that I'll remember the most from 2017. Hope I'll be just fine since everything.

when you being left out,
you feel pathetic. you feel that something is wrong from you. you start thinking about your flaws. you compare yourself to those pretties. you look into the walls and ceiling, thinking. your mind fucked up. your heart ache. your soul hiding.

seperti ini

_______________________

Aku hanya ingin seperti ini
Memendam, yang ingin terucap
Aku hanya ingin begini
Memudarkan, yang berwarna

Mungkin lebih baik begini
Menyimpan yang ingin dikeluarkan
Meskipun masih ada rasa
Yang terasa setinggi angkasa

Karena mungkin kita
Hanyalah
temu
Yang
tak
Menyatu

Oleh : Aidil Kurniawan

Flying and Dying

it's like each of you has one-sided wing. one left, and one right.

before you met each other, you two walked faintly on the ground, couldn't stable enough to fly.

then you met them.
learned to walk side-to-side and  fly together. wandering to anywhere you two could go. were so happy that the other came along to complete each of you. and you thought it could last to an end.

and there the day comes.
the day your each feels tired. wanted to fly away by their own. chasing something they wanted to, they said. and guess taking you was just another burden for them.

you just didn't want them feel that they were being forced to stay. while they didn't want to. in fact you still need them so. but you just gave away your another sided wing. your only one. so that they could be free and go. because you were just too fool to care. and had having such a big heart for them. even they were not anymore. so you let go. even you died after.

A.S
22.55 PM
August, 30th 2017

You.

There are still so many places that i wanted to go with
There are still so many food that i wanted to taste with
There are still so many stories that i wanted to tell to
There are still so many things that i wanted you to make an opinion of
There are still so many events that i wanted to report it to
There are still so many happy moments that i wanted to share it with

There are still, so many things, which will be greater and better, of, to, with,

you, by.

Ours

im glad that i was with you

you make me feel whole
you make me alive
you make me feel things i never did before
you make me who i am when im with you

you're the nicest person who ever be with me besides my family and friends

you're just like a brother, teach me things, tell me those good and bad, worry me, protect me
you're just like a bestfriend, being there when i need you most, accompany me, talk about deep thoughts of ours, tell jokes each other, laughing of happiness
you're just like a lover, you love. i feel that so much, i spoiled.

im so glad and still feel happy even after all the things that been going now. even after you walked away. i always remembering you. remembering you makes me happy. even it's ache sometimes.
im so blessed even though our togetherness only for a moment. a short, happy moment of my life. you were there. couldn't thankful enough for that.

thankyou for taking care of me well, and for your heart who ever loved me once back then.

I've found what i was looking for, and now i lost it. even the words i love you couldn't make you stay and turn back again.

i release.

posting.

he was my whole world.

and still.

i do accept this. but it's still too hard for me. tough one.
even in my busy days or crowded place he's still showing up in my mind. he always there.

the loneliest time is when in the night before asleep and early in the morning after i wake up. my thoughts would be filled with those 'what if' and the memories of ours. even in the middle of my sleep it's so hurting my chest and i got awake with tears.

i never command the tears to fell, but they just did.

i still,

it's hard for me.
not for him. not even a little. 

he was, and is, my first love. even i had it in the past, but i never as truly as this. even i just seems just always fooling around when i was with him, i do true put my heart on him. i trusted him. i had faith in him.

i know, besides his feeling already gone, he left me for good thing as he said.

but he left me with no good.

and leaving those scars which i couldn't heal.

gonna be fine.

hmm😊

it's okay, ya.

you'll meet someone who understands you. understand your feeling truly. who'll has the same sense of humor as you. gets your jokes. someone who'll not aside you of their own obsession. someone who'll 'value' you and your efforts even at their hardest time to show it.

someone who says that he loves you, and act as they do. someone who won't lied to you. someone even when feeling disappointed and tired of you he believes that loyalty is the prime thing and defeat his own lust because he really loves you.

I'm not perfect either

but three things.
honesty,
loyalty,
trustworthy.

-

so today
i barely move my finger to open it
51 chats
that's the most so far
the most for not so lovely chat
though i know what was all about

i just don't know
why it came into like this
seeing those photo and chat of us
couldn't even hold the tears
why it came into like this
if it was because of me
what could i say anymore ?
sorry ?
which has been said hundreds?
which you just always brag it when things got rough ?
wish i could just turn back time
to the good old days
i'd fix what went wrong

but wish it's not a prayer isn't it
it just a wondering
of something
that couldn't happen

and still
after all this battle
i don't know
who's winning
who's losing
all i know

i kept coming back to you.

Re-cover

It's happening again

they left me

it was when junior high
it was now

it's the same

a new girl
always
the more attractive one
there will always be

I guess myself unattractive enough
wasn't good enough
so boring
too boyish
wasn't really like a cute girl
annoying ?

I guess myself will never be good enough for anybody

they always leave

for something better

while im still here
with a heart full of loving
they left

how long,
did I took to get over the old ones ?
years.

and now
it's gotta start over again
for the latest one

would it be able to recover sooner ?
would it be healed ?
would it be able to trust again ?
would I ever be with someone and not wondering wether they true to me or just the same ?

men, why ?

Thankyou.

Mom,
thankyou for always being there at my lowest point even you have no idea why and what happened.
Thankyou for the patience you bring to us since we were on your stomach until now.
Sorry that I've been sad all this time that I couldn't help your work much.
Maybe you don't know this but sorry for being often crying in the middle of the night since we shared the same bed.
I don't wanna tell my sorrows not because i hide it, I just don't want you to think bad, worry, and overthink it. It just stupid thing that i had to deal with.
I feel pity when I see you being so tired working things out for us.
In your age now you should've having fun with your friends, going to places, and enjoying the life but instead you still here because we still burden you.
Thankyou for understanding my choices and accepting it while others always underestimate it.
Thankyou for always caring and supporting me in whatever condition.
Sorry I haven't make you proud, even I get into the major that none would be proud of I know.
I hope you always do well (healthy, fine, and happy)
I never straight saying this to you, but you know I always love you.

It's not you that should be thanked for having us, but we are.
Alhamdullilah, terimakasih ya Allah you have sent mama to us, nothing better😢😊😇😇.

at last.

And finally,
the rope of this two ship has finally detached
after sailing together side by side for 16 months
maybe one just can't carried anymore
or running out of fuel it's hard for them to still carry on on this big sea
or one being heavily load it can't take it anymore
or they just going for a different destination
but for sure
this one ship has pretty deep hole on its deck
maybe a repairman on the shore can fixed it
let's go to the another side,

:)

He said that i didn't value him more.
He said that my society was just too "free"
He said what he did (that he shouldn't do) was all because of me
He said that I didn't love him back then
.
.
.
.
.
He just don't understand
that I valued him much I didnt really response to the boys yg mau sok2 kenalan or so whatever unless my close friends and those needed for businesses.
I have bunch of friends from elementary to senior high which of course he didn't know but still jealous of. I mean, they can't be all women whom i chose to be my friends, guys too. I know them, it just you that don't respect my society because from what I see back then your friends wasn't this much of course and all boys.
And now you try making friends by chatting 'girls' that you don't even know, try to call, is that how people make friends ? really ? you're a guy. When a guy started to make a conversation, you know what is mean. And then you said that it was all be cause of me that make you did that? I wouldn't do that if I were you. Cause I know that would make a permanent ill in someone heart. But I know, you just don't understand. You didn't think that far.

You said back then when you love me I didn't love you ?
really ?
then maybe you don't understand the way I showed my love for someone. And why would I bother staying for this long and forgiving what you did to this relationship?
or maybe you can check my previous writing. It was written on May 2016 . A hell damn year ago. :)
Think of it.

Limit Exist to be Exceeded ?

Hello no one,
long time hasn't write anything since im busy with college thing ;). Lol this just like a month-yearly diary i don't know why I even write in here, nobody would read anyway. But maybe that's the point. I just want it for myself, so that in future i can see what was going on in the past even not everyday. I'm trying to be good at writing, I wanted to express myself well through writing even sometimes most of the time me being absent-minded like *seeing the ceiling*.
So, now I'm being chill in my room, nothing to do all day long. It's a free time which I rarely got back weeks and months ago. Im not joining my major's organization, but i just trying to keep up the events by joining as  a committee that they held cause im just into that kind of thing. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like joining the organization. But I joined this one organization, an international one named IAAS. I feel blast and thankful being in there but yet i feel sorry for my many absence because there are things that been on my head and it just too complicated i even don't know how to write in here.
I like companion, but sometimes i enjoy my solitude.

Had having much works and tasks to do, i feel so tired I always wanted to rest. I mean who doesn't? If i pushed myself too hard, things just didn't seems to be well-done and i might get sick just like last time. But then I see words saying that 'limit exists to be exceeded". Do we have to defeat the limit itself ? how you measure the limit ? how can you know that it's already the limit?
From what i see limit is the point where you think you can't go any further , it's already the peak.  Be careful with the limit, you always can exceeded but enjoy the process. I mean, do it gently, step by step. Cause everything at once doesn't seem a good way tho. lol what is this am i mumbling


I've been pissed with someone for days i feel like it has reached the peak of my pissed-meter. But something that I always remember from my teacher back to middle school, patience has no limit. You can always be patience, it's yourself that deciced to have enough of patience. I still remember he was so kind and patience as it finest I respect him for that (maybe that's what teacher like rightxD) but i do always adore that kind of people. And me myself is the one who also needed to control my pissed-meter also haha.
The point is, limit is relative. Ciao!