November Mental Breakdance

Hello blog.....

I just had a burst out. 

Lol what a burst out??!???

hhahah

I've been keeping things in my head for long time and just talking about it (orally) (with my mouth) (of course) even just to my own self, because i wanted to talk about it to my mom but she went away and didn't really seem interested to talk..... Okay no problem..

I was just asking, when will the rooms we had renovated before can be cleaned up? it's been like 2years since 2021 and the rooms just full of unused stuffs. I mean, the costs of renovation is not little, and this household has no income (we can't expect the retirement fund and brother's money for the rest of our life) so when will we make a move to clean it up?? oh i once already make move by myself but ended up with too many confusion and stress bcs i fucked up in that rooms (3rooms) with that many stuff that isn't belong to me, i don't know which to throw, which is legendary things, which is what i have no fucking idea😩😩😩!!!.

Please i don't wanna be anak durhaka but sometimes my head is just boiling😥😥 but no worries i always keep my mouth shut even sometimes i wanna spit out everything i feel.

She seems so unaware about the situation. House berantakan like, too many unuseful stuff but she still keeping it. I know how that feel either but this just been too many im stressed. 

I want that rooms to be cleaned out sooner because i have a plan leaving home and living in another city. I cannot leave home like this. Messy and so much unfinished business. 

You know I was really broken about failing to go to Australia, because of my own fault. It keeps haunting me everyday and I cannot sleep or wake up peacefully for still not doing anything about my life now. And right now i have a new goal, i want to pay back about what I've done, i want to achieve that badly but not in this city, I can't grow here. Im 26, only have 3months job experience, not related to the goal im seeking to, and i just want you to help me to make it... sooner... by just decluttering the stuff and make it a room so anyone can rent it and you have someone to accompany in the house, you have something to be busy with, you have your own money voila... i can leave..

I was just bursting myself in tears and to keep it reminded i go write here because sometimes writing can help the depression they said. Idk, is this depression? or just sadness? or just helplessness?? or selfish choice???? 

I hope when you read this years later, I am already making the right decision here. Even if it is not, just keep walking into whatever direction that looks shiny. 

Major Failure.

Good afternoon from chatime dutamall... 

sitting here blankly because i was in line for The Marvels for hours but the jenius promo ended before my eyes... I was kinda sad but bearable as i already thought myself don't expect too much on this..

I just wanna write a story that i always been avoid to remember and tell to for these past few months bcs it just that heavy, for me. Well, i never been to a psychologist even at my lowest years back but months ago, i did. It felt like my tears go all over my body it can came out through my skin anytime. Usually i can handle my sadness or burden but damnnn this one i just can't.

Have i told you that in the middle of my confusion about my future, i found this light? the thing that i might seek and suitable for me, the thing that i thought that i wanted so bad??? yes i was planning to go to the kangaroo country with that werk and holiday visa (i don't want to make it too clear i might showing up on google search ugh no). I've been preparing since, February this year but just waste away on fucking end of June. I already got the main latter that was the main essential document through "a war" but yet fuckeeddd, i was too late to apply the visa i cried soo hard even days after even at work even lagi briefing pagi" on saturday morning i still remember how fucked i was that day. It was like, a crushed dream. It was just one step away, that was the only thing i gotta do, the final step, and i failed to that simple easy one thing. I was really hating on myself. On the situation, on everything. How come I messed my own future. I've been pouring so much time and money preparing for this but i messed it up myself. 

I know the due date was on June 30th but i wanted to apply on 20ish since i need a month gap for my medical checkup the next month. Yet i procrastinated till the last day. At noon. And i didn't even glance on the website even once so that i didn't have the information that it would be maintenance at the time i came from work. Like, duuuhhhhhhhh. SO STUPID I CAN'T HANDLE MYSELF. The days before i was preparing for eid adha and went back to my father's hometown and i couldn't apply there, after went back home D-1, i got sick and just planning to apply the next day which is Friday June 30th. Dahlaaaaaa diinget" masih sakit bangeeetttt ya Allah I don't think i can recover from this failure and regretness. My heart and brain still felt empty, please tell me it was your plan and it might not good for me to gooo:')))) 

Attaching this hurtful docs so the future me can still see and learn from my own stupidity. Even i know i won't even forget this tho lol. 

I already booked a round-trip flight for my medical checkup on July since i was sure enough that I would be going to.... 

I already done ielts test which wasn't even exist on my city so i went to surabaya already before too .. and the test costed quite some money also.. sedih mah pokonya kalo diceritain hhahahahah. That's why i changed my flights date to october and decided to go to Bali instead:) and got some inspirations also from there. Even before I visited it for this "holiday" i already has planned on just moving out there and started something new. 

I hope there's something better awaits for me, the one You've been prepared for me as replacement:'))) im still hoping now...

And now i kinda have another thing to pursue, i still don't know whether im sure of it, whether is it good for me, i haven't tell anyone about this yet but just here. Im thinking of working on a river cruise ship somewhere in europe. To achieve that, i needed to have some experiences in the same field. Im thinking of being a stewardess or anything related. Where? in Bali. Why Bali? the best environment for it and for many more chances and connection definitely. Sounds like a naive young girl from nowhere's dream but yes at this point now, i really can do naive things as i already throwed away my future i wanted to make another one. We shaped it on our own ((im just trying to menghibur diri)). 

I don't really want to worry or thinking too far now since the last time i did that, i was destroyed by it. Just live my best at the moment and slowly moving forward. Ya Allah please help and guide me through my process, i can never do anything well without your will and guidance. Bismillah.

What happened in Bali stays in Bali

Hi after awhile,

what was my latest post about? have i told you about the fail WH* and breakdown things? i already worked for the first time in lv?? well maybe needed another time to talk about it but this.

I took this trip to Bali since I already booked a flight to Surabaya on July for a medical checkup appointment to apply for the Australia visa but, as you know I was too late to lodge and that was on me, so rather the tickets got burned i decided just to take vacation for awhile to Bali with that ticket in October because i was still working at that time for 3 months. 

Long story short, I took my mom with me because "kapan lagi ngajak jalan mama selagi sehat dan ada rezekinya". October 22nd to 31st, 10 days in Bali was a random date and duration choices since i was too desperate to think further. Actually when I found out that my dream was crushed that I failed to go to Australia, I was planning to moved to Bali and started my life there. I was already initiated to bring my whole belongings to stay there and not coming back after the vacation😂.

huff bentar napas dulu masih berasa sedih"nya sambil ngetik wkwkwk.

Sunday morning October 22nd off we go to airport, and arrived at noon in Bali. And so the journey begins.... 

I feel like it needed another title to tell the Bali journey with my mom, because this isn't about it hahah.

The point isssss,

my life was just been so good and peaceful (have no one to think about or crush on or being sad to) before and during this vacation untillll, i got bored few days before went back to my hometown. I was thinking, wow this bali trip just went like a regular vacation like, nothing so special or exciting about, man, this is bali, do something, my brain said. So i bring back my dating app acc that I haven't used for awhile and boomm, matched with some. But mostly just Indonesian since i was still afraid with those bules😭. I was just looking for some friends to enjoy Bali together and hangout for awhile. Before this, i already had planned to go out with few friends that i already knew before but they were all being busy at work.

Few matches later, there's this guy that satsetsott reply quite fast and ask for my numbers to hangout. First offer was at 1am which ofc I couldn't go since i was too exhausted and i was with my mom, what would she think of me going out after midnight and came back in the morning??!😭 and 2nd offered was sunsetting in canggu since he was surfing there, at that time i kinda still hesitated to meet a person from tinder since a long time ago (2017??) but my head said fuck it whatever happens, happens, it's fucking bali go get some memories while in it. Sooo i went to that beach and arrived about 6pm which kinda late, as he was already finished surfing and said hello to me on that beach. We sat at that shiny golden sand while looking at the sun went down and did some chit chat, i was quite into him through that lil talks. Ouch. The sunset was just so so but it felt like the prettiest sunset i had ever in Bali lol. Then the sun went out, we moved to another part of the beach, just walked through the shore, and there was some touches and kinky movement happened as the wind went through my face. My head alarmed me to stay away, and I've said a few no(s), but my stupid body remained silence😑😑 hhahahah fuck i kinda enjoyed it daammnn. And there it goes, it happened, on darkness, after sunset, in the sand, at the beach, with his soft touch, ours met.

alah taeeeee wkwkwkwk mrindink dikit ngingetnya anjwenkkk😭😭😭

Dahla blabalabla trs

Sebelumnya he said that at night he wanted to go to his friend's for halloween party and it was near legian, which was near my place so that he could bring me home sekaliann. Yaudss trs sblm nyari makan itu dia mo ganti baju duls yekann, di koss. Okeh. "Ntar km tunggu aja di luar gpp gausah masuk" yaiyalah like??!???? wgwgwg

Settt sampe kosann, turun lah saya dan megang helm karna mau nunggu di bawah yekan, trus helm i diambil sama dia, trs diliat (helm rental w baru gitu) "ini baru ya, ilang gak ya klo di taruh sini *sambil celingak celinguk liat cctv*" dlm hati gw, wahh alamat nihh disuruh naek. Abis dia taro itu helm di jok, yauda aku mau duduk di ruang tunggu depan kek ada sofa"nya gt, but ughhh tangan gueh ditarik and tdk di let go?!??? engga enggaa gaa I've said it many times but he insisted sambil narik and said "enggaa diapa"in koo" yelaah banggh kek gw bocil aja kagatau hhhh yaudah w numpang cuci kaki ajalah yaa kaki gw berpasir😭😭 fuck banget klo diinget" tehh😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Yaaahhhh, kosan dia sepi mampus, gatau ya tipikal kos disana keknya, trus kek yg modern baru gt ya org"nya jg keknya pada bodoamatan juga. Sampailahh, ke kamarnya, langung cuci kaki lah saya dan langsung pake sendal lg mo keluar tapi ditarik, again, ofc. What did you expect alya???? di kosan cowo begono. I acted mo nelfon mama supaya ga digangguin but, it didn't help😔😔😔 aarghhhh things happened but luckily i said that i was on period and could menghalau his further acts so i categorized myself still selamat:') but i really didn't expect that tho, ini, hangout org" tinder??? lol.... 

When that happened i kinda felt guilty but feeling good at the same time it was kinda complicated and stupid but now, i feel like i want it again damn. He was so good with his acts, voice, his needy mood, his eyes, hands, lips. After, he was tired and feeling sleepy so he asked for few minutes to rest before going out, with me in his arms, hugging, my head on his chest, feeling his warmth, and i fell asleep too. His fit body, broad shoulders, wide chest, strong arms, his smell. Damn i hate remembering it but how tf can i get it out of my head???!

Arrghhh don't fucking mess with me. He literally was. I could've been ready if i knew it would be a one night stand thingy bcs what i knew we were just going to hanging out and now i feel so left out and empty😔😔😔😔😔 i kinda miss him

But. There's another sadness to tell. That makes me even more questioning many things, or my worth. After we fell asleep for awhile, we woke up and wanted to go out, i thought we were about to have some dinner since we didn't eat anything, but he just directly sent me into my hotel, with high speed:( it kinda made me feel sad like, he didn't wanna spend another time with me???:( maybe bcs when he asked me what i wanted to eat i answered "hmm not hungry"?? but at least he could've take me somewhere to eat something:( i felt dumped already at that time but he was still talking nice to me, explaining many things on the road. After arrived, i bought some coffee and realized that i left my glasses, on his bed. I texted him and made sure, he said yes it was on his bed. 

Day after, i told him if he was busy he could just gojek it to my place, but he said he would deliver it at night. Hmm okayy, i was feeling a lil excited and happy, maybe he would take me out after. It was my last night on bali after all, and i had no plans to go. At night he came, and just gave back the glasses:( no offers about going somewhere so I just said bye... 

Sambil duduk di pinggir kolam i sigh and ngelamun. Gini amat anjir wkwkwk trs the yolo me started to initiate another stupid things, i asked him apaya, oohh, "udh makan?" he replied with "udah:)" hhhh faklaahh, 

yahh kira" sperti itulah the conversation went, untung dia peka dan saya jd ga malu"in pengen jalan lg i was so excited:( padahal at the same time udh ada janji sblmnya sama org lain jg hari itu but i cancelled for this one:) apakah udh masuk fase stupid ini wkwkw.

So we went out, ga jauh beneran, bingung makan apa yaudah gacoan lah. He ordered the level 8, highest one and i ordered the angel. We talked and suddenly dia kek sakit perut gt. Hufff yaudala, either beneran sakit prut or wanting to go home earlier aja but at that moment i kinda felt sad and disappointed:(( abis itu langsung dianter pulang lagi....

Dan yaaa, abis itu kek hampa. Rasa bengong lah ada, banyak. It was hard to forget. Ofc for him i was just another his one night stand fellas, i should do the same too but it's kinda hard for me, isn't it unfair?? 

I still think of it every time i woke up in the morning, and just feeling shit. Thinking about what we've done, how i felt, how he didn't really give af, how we just separated like that. Like, was there something wrong that I did ya??? why he pulled out??? 

I make sure myself we can just be regular friends, so stupidly again i asked for his ig, "to befriended each other" 🤡 he answered "sure" and we were friends on ig. BUT after, he hid me from his story viewers:))) waw it kinda brokee the little mee especially i was already in the plane. I was just bengong through the window, replaying the scenarios, what could've been done, what went wrong, what i should've did, what can i do next.....

Yea, it ended just like that. Making me feel, empty. And lil worthless. Am i too ugly?? was he hated my braces teeth when i ate?? my breath?? my topics??? my jokes?? my appearance???

I shouldn't really think any further about it, since it wasn't that deep🤡 but i was too weak lol... i thought that i can handle this kind of thing since I've already done few (going out with no feelings) but i guess this one kinda different yes😔😔

it feels like, i left something in bali. or, he left something in me already. i felt connected. am i having attachment issues? or is this just normal thing to had after that??? how can he feel biasa" aja and just go away with it??? i feel going crazy just to think and remembered about it but i know this too shall pass. 

Lately ganapsu makan bangett bjirrr, kek patah hati banget kek yg dulu". Why do i feel so broken padahal it only last for a fucking day?????!??? arghhhhh im so fucked up now i know. It really consumed me😩😩😩 

God again, please help me through this😭😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Alles is gut

 Hello it's April already 

I think i wanna share my heavy sad burden thoughts that i could never share with anyone again here hehe 

It's 1:14 AM now, sunday, we're doing fasting, yesterday i watched Dungeon&Dragons which pretty interesting with Kiki since his mother has been days here doing treatment after her breast cancer operation. I'm laying down on the middle of the house having a sudden breakdown with couple of tears and no one to talk to even though my brother is in his room with his pregnant wife. I could never talk to him anyway it's too hard, for me. 

Thinking about to say what i really wants which is applying visa to australia and having him backing me up seems so hard. Or it is just me who's too coward to face his answer. Besides his answer what i afraid mostly is the way he delivers. it's suffocate my chest. I don't think i could ever get used to it.

I don't talk to the guy that I've been really thankful for on the last blog anymore. Not long after i made the post (december), he cut me off on january after his birthday. It's been really hard for me but i believe it was best for us. I didn't beg or seek for closure anymore to those who left like i used to. It's a character development of the main char i guess?

Currently im talking to this german guy who's still in college and aspire to be a teacher he said. I found talking with him was kinda therapeutic for me who was at that time having a problem with my sleep. From the very first start i wasn't intended to look for anyone but these past few days i feel like i started growing feelings which is not so good eh? maybe this is just a feeling.  I don't put a hope so much on this guy because i don't think he interested that much with me. Why i thought so? because he's not curious about me. He doesn't make me feel wanted and he makes me confused. He doesn't follow back my instagram account which we're using to talk daily until now😂. Maybe we were both just bored and happened to find each other.

Im 25 already and still have no great skills and experience on the working field. Of course it somehow making me feel really anxious. I don't feel good around my big family myself because i just feel like seen as an unuseful and burden kid. Maybe mom is ashamed with me. Maybe my brother is really pissed to me. Maybe they would think that im just a spoiled lazy secondary child:(. But i want to do this to help my brother struggle, and for my mother also. That's why this whv things and going to australia is really altered my soul. Taking few years to go there, work, having some little trips and seeking another world on my twenties is another things that i wanna do in my life. Im still not kepikiran with marriage and having baby stuffs so I think this might be my time. But on the other side leaving my mom alone is another thing to have a thought about. But again really, i wanna do this badly:(. Yet the money to completing the documents is not so little and it's giving me another headache. 

I was already prayed for everything to get better and i hope that Allah will have its way to take me to my better place. And i hope i will be better too. Semoga bahagia selalu dan menjadi diri yang lebih kuat untuk diri sendiri semangat berjuang^^