good night sleepy

at time like this..

he usually having a hard time to sleep.

i went from my bedroom to 'our' bedroom (we three sleeping together lately) and found out that he did. as he laid he crumpled his feet signing that his feet were tired. have i mentioned that he no longer could fully control his feet ? a lil movement can, much cannot.

so i took a sit beside him and grab his right foot and lifted it up and counted till few seconds and changed to the left one. going on and on and not forgetting to pushed and pulled his toes. because he like it that way.

as i did those, he started snoring. and finally went to deep sleep.

how happy i was.

at least i could make him feel better

2018 Trip #1

I feel like wanting to post some photos from this 2018 trip.

Malang, Jan 31st - Feb 10th

there you go the adventure about to started.

im staying at erni's. 

thankyou for the caring hospitality and the excitement of me coming to malang:)

 the next day after i arrived erni took me to paralayang if im not mistaken

 here i put picture of her on omah kayu because i don't feel like posting my full face selfie and other good photos were missing due me tried to clean the whatsapp data and eventually the images followed.

one does not simply, ke malang gak ke museum angkut. biasa lah visit ke tempat yang khalayak ramai kunjungi. bagus-bagus sih dalemnya mana luas. saran saya ya gerak cepat aja jangan foto-foto terus tiap sudut, capek!haha

ga ke jatim park soalnya dulu udah pernah ke yang 1, terus yang 2 ini katanya kurang lebih aja, trus yang 3 waktu kemaren baru opening dan buat saya sendiri kurang appealing liat dino dinoan untuk trip kali ini. ga tau kalo nanti mau bawa anak ke sana *loh

 have i told you pas saya visit malang tuh lagi musimnya ujan di sana padahal perasaan belum deh, konon katanya musim ga musim malang emang sering ujan. pulangnya dari museum angkut masih ujan deras dan waktu ga memungkinkan untuk tetap bertahan jadi kita gaskuy balik malang pake jas ujan seadanya ngebut tipis-tipis. makan dimana woy aing nanya, ntar nanti ada warung ss katanya arah ke malang. iye-iyein aja laper,dingin, buta tempat makan lagi.

nyampe di warung ss yang ga begitu kaya warung, duduk, baca menu, kaget. harga apaan neh kantin sma dulu aja kalah murah kali mak. ok lah tanpa basa basi dan tanpa mengesampingkan nafsu kita pesen dan datanglah jengjeng.. 

 

 wenak beettt

sebagai warga banjar yang suka nasi pulen (few banjarise can't stand beras jawa aka they like it rough.) i love it so:') anget-anget lembek.

daging 13ribuan saya bumbu nya berasa, lelenya si erni berasa, semuanya aja berasa wkwk pokoknya enak-enak.

yaiyala laper ujan lagi.

setelah makan, ke kasir bayar liat bill kaget lagi. paan neh makan banyak gini totalnya segitu kek makan sendirian kalo di banjar (ukuran tempat kek gitu) haha

uda ah pokonya alhamdulillahin aja ngebandingin mulu si malih.

 

 -----------

for this photo, it was when with kiki eating at... apa ya namanya mie setan kali yak

he took me to places and ate makanan malang ena ena di sela-sela skripsian beliau makasih anged ki takkan terlupa wkwkwk

 -- this is the next next day i forgot --

 we went to watu leter beach yeay! accompanied by anang and idham as our gentle drivers haha

it is located on southern of malang if im not mistaken again, pokoknya deretan pantai selatannya sono

the sky was gloomy when we arrived

 

it was a pretty quiet beach which i prefer most and clean bos mantul

  idham was being aing macan aing macan self creature

as the time went it started to show those beautiful blue

 was soothing and calming my soul. pretty. thankyou for bringing me here guys.

btw posting pics only turns out to story telling eventually and it's already late so im thinking about going to sleep and post bali on the other post ok.

afternoon

he's crying....

in silence

yet i know.

sorry dad i can do nothing to change anything😞

hey

it's like, 'i miss you'

but you said,

'don't contact me ever again'

so i was just like '.......ok'

until now,,

I'm glad

Was having a nice long conversation with cemol until 5.30 AM just then. Playing ff is fun, but it'll be more fun with him. It just like no boundaries between us, we just talk it out. Like what a close friend would talk about.
I miss having those, since everything happened these days.

We should've played, but instead we just talk on the lobby nonstop hahaha. It just a feeling of glad, having these kind of guys (I used to had long talk like this with bintang which is his friend also) still exist. I respect them much.

Lucky their girls. These guys are, for me yes; loyal, caring, gentle-way-of-thinking, and nice. I mean, really nice.
They protect themselves from any women that attracted. They have such a self-defense. Pretty rare nowdays (from what i have in my not-so-big circle).



Im glad too I have a new family now, FOF family. Glad to have you guys in my life.

August 31st 2018

Happy Birthday, to me.

Hello there my future self, here i am your 21 self. 

Been failed on relationship twice(this past years), still working on my skripsi, and my life.

Dad is sick, im at hospital now, been here for a week already with mom, lung cancer 4th stage they said.. cause it's already affect the other organs and we're about doing chemo for next few weeks perhaps, because operation won't be a wise choice..

I hope he can stand the treatment bcs many said chemo on his age like this just gonna make him suffer.. 

we don't know, we just try our best and let's Allah decides.

Don't cry, 

 i know

we just can't hold the tears that streaming down our face

Your life stage

So.. they said it's stage 4 cancer ?

Sunday, August 19th

Been 3days already we're in hospital. After many suffering from home, he'd finally deal to go.

From piles, diabetes, bone loss, and finally we got here. Lung cancer.

No it said to be just tumor first.

From ct-scan and many rontgens, they concluded that it had been spreading so that's why he got the bone loss and that suffers, and that 4th stage thing.

Pretty surprised.

He didn't smoke. Didn't have that coughing things while he sick lately. But who knows that it all been there all this time ?

"We cannot do the operation due his late age"

alright, i can see where it goes.

also can read: sorry he's too old already and the cancer already in the peak, the operation just wasting money and time and let just pray, do the herbal medication etc etc and hope for the best.

btw what i know until this morning just tumor, i got that 4th cancer thing from my mom's convo with her friend. yea sorry, i accidentally read it.

so here i am, and family, hoping for the best as everyone do.

Don't say it

" Love and compatibility are not always the same thing "

Yep...
I can see that point now
can relate to

thankful that I've been given this lesson
hoping that soon i may not wanting to screwed up

aMAYzinggg !~~~

Just go back from amazingly-dreamy-trip from Bali !

I said dreamy, maybe too exaggerated but i always wanted to go there and once at middle school i almost would be going there and was so very really excited but then near the d-day my friends were all cancel it and there you go.. all hope was gone...... "bcs it's something like school trip anw"

How could not I be thrilled tho,
in the monday morning bro was asking if i would go to Bali, and i got less classes that week so that i could go(maksa)😂, and mom dad were so humble they acc acc acc  and on tuesday i went there oh holy holy happiness....

It was amazing and enjoyable, even for a third wheeler ! 😂
It's so fine to me tho, i enjoyed the ride very much. Thankyou guys, mom dad too, Allah ofcourse. Such a blessing.

Even i got some new tattoos from the road that leads to broken beach and angel's billabong.
It still makes me thankful to Allah tho that i fell on that dugul dugul road instead of going to the cliff which was just hundreds of centimeters from when i fell😂.

Not wanting to disturb the holiday vibes, i was just keep telling myself "it's ok it's ok, just a little more we'll arrive at our holy destination"  when my kaki, perut, and hand were all bleeding so fresh that day haha

but everything was just worth it

everything comes with prices anyway

(pardon broken grammar)

just some thought

well, for me
it's not about how fast i wanted to have a marriage
but it's more like with whom i will spend the rest of my life with

so the person itself is more important than the time.

bcs, why would i wanted to marry someone so soon but then sooner or later it just feels like he is just wrong person, doesn't feel like a match in the end.

so that's why when you feel like you're running out of time because haven't married yet meanwhile your age getting 'older', most of your friends already married, you couldn't resist your 'desire' to do 69, just don't be such in hurry.

you'll realize then that whom you will spend the rest of your life is more important than having a soon marriage.

you may have planned your future, but then your partner is your future too. if something no good happened between you and your partner, wouldn't it changed your 'planned future' too ?
so now which is more important to you?

the right person at the right time. enjoy

smh

well everything written in the past post was someone else's writing. see there's" - " under it

so whatever you think what i feel

just don't be too quick to appraise

sometimes i posted  something bcs of how well it was written and beautifully made.
the words are good, the phrase he/she used.

process it first,
don't get into one-sided conclusion too soon.

but if you still insist of what you think was right,
enjoy!

Phosphenous

00.01

I still miss you, I do. But I guess in the end I‘m glad we only found each other to fall apart.

If we‘d never tried, I would have never known. I would have spent my nights lying awake, wondering what could’ve been if I‘d only been brave enough to take a step towards you.

And I did, I did it with my arms opened wide and my eyes pressed shut so tight, I swear I could see the stars.

It was scary and new and dizzying, but you kept me tethered to the ground. It was beautiful while it lasted, and I never got the impression that you weren’t treating me right, that maybe I was just too different and we weren’t right for each other.

That while I was looking for something to give me peace, you were on the hunt for your next adventure. That while we fit so perfectly, my hand in yours, cheek pressed against cheek, what we wanted from life did not.

It’s kind of sad, but it took you walking out of my life for me to finally realise my worth.

For the first time I did not think I wasn’t enough or too much. I wasn’t afraid that I said the wrong thing or acted in a way that upset you.

We ended quietly, not with a crash and not with a burn. I understood that we didn’t work in the ways that mattered. And somehow, it’s right that we didn’t.

Because for weeks that felt like a handful of moments, we fit together like two pieces of a whole.

—theprocast

Every thing

Maybe we shouldn't be so emotional about something that happens out of our might.
We didn't planned it at first, right

We've planned, we did our best, but things just wasn't go as we planned.
It's something usual in life.

We human planned, god decides.

So while it's not your fault anyway, let's not over mourn about it. Blaming yourself wouldn't be so good either. Or even you try blaming god. Trust this, it's what best for you.

God's will. It's out of our might.
Accept and be positive.

which way are you going ?

https://youtu.be/KXW1KE7MzzE

Berhenti Sejenak

Berhenti. Ya, seberapa sering dalam hidup ini kita berhenti sejenak ? seberapa sering kita begitu terburu dan merasa tidak punya waktu ?

Ketika kita berhenti sejenak, waktu seakan berlalu lebih lambat. Momen tidak hanya sekedar lewat, tetapi meninggalkan jejak. Wajah-wajah meninggalkan nama. Kata-kata meninggalkan makna. Setiap interaksi meninggalkan koneksi. Setiap kesan meninggalkan kenangan yang selalu bisa diputar ulang. Dan kita, kita tersimpan dalam banyak ingatan.
Dan bukankah sebenarnya ini yang semua orang cari ?

- Hanny Kusumawati