Hello it's April already
I think i wanna share my heavy sad burden thoughts that i could never share with anyone again here hehe
It's 1:14 AM now, sunday, we're doing fasting, yesterday i watched Dungeon&Dragons which pretty interesting with Kiki since his mother has been days here doing treatment after her breast cancer operation. I'm laying down on the middle of the house having a sudden breakdown with couple of tears and no one to talk to even though my brother is in his room with his pregnant wife. I could never talk to him anyway it's too hard, for me.
Thinking about to say what i really wants which is applying visa to australia and having him backing me up seems so hard. Or it is just me who's too coward to face his answer. Besides his answer what i afraid mostly is the way he delivers. it's suffocate my chest. I don't think i could ever get used to it.
I don't talk to the guy that I've been really thankful for on the last blog anymore. Not long after i made the post (december), he cut me off on january after his birthday. It's been really hard for me but i believe it was best for us. I didn't beg or seek for closure anymore to those who left like i used to. It's a character development of the main char i guess?
Currently im talking to this german guy who's still in college and aspire to be a teacher he said. I found talking with him was kinda therapeutic for me who was at that time having a problem with my sleep. From the very first start i wasn't intended to look for anyone but these past few days i feel like i started growing feelings which is not so good eh? maybe this is just a feeling. I don't put a hope so much on this guy because i don't think he interested that much with me. Why i thought so? because he's not curious about me. He doesn't make me feel wanted and he makes me confused. He doesn't follow back my instagram account which we're using to talk daily until now😂. Maybe we were both just bored and happened to find each other.
Im 25 already and still have no great skills and experience on the working field. Of course it somehow making me feel really anxious. I don't feel good around my big family myself because i just feel like seen as an unuseful and burden kid. Maybe mom is ashamed with me. Maybe my brother is really pissed to me. Maybe they would think that im just a spoiled lazy secondary child:(. But i want to do this to help my brother struggle, and for my mother also. That's why this whv things and going to australia is really altered my soul. Taking few years to go there, work, having some little trips and seeking another world on my twenties is another things that i wanna do in my life. Im still not kepikiran with marriage and having baby stuffs so I think this might be my time. But on the other side leaving my mom alone is another thing to have a thought about. But again really, i wanna do this badly:(. Yet the money to completing the documents is not so little and it's giving me another headache.
I was already prayed for everything to get better and i hope that Allah will have its way to take me to my better place. And i hope i will be better too. Semoga bahagia selalu dan menjadi diri yang lebih kuat untuk diri sendiri semangat berjuang^^
